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LueDeck.us
Audio Archives Of |
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LueDeck.us
Audio Archives Of |
Poor
Lue's Almanack
Volume Five Issue Three
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How Many
Iraqis... ?? |
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Headlines NAACP BUYS NCAA and sets them free! On Wall Street, Zig Zag Rolling Papers at a 52 week high! Cornell doctors prove KARAOKE causes cancer! California archeologists have finally uncovered Cher’s original breasts! But the Big Story, Still the Big Story: Over in Iraq... Saddam Law Overturned! HOW MANY Iraqi soldiers does it take to STOP The US Army, Marines, and Air Force??? Obviously, MORE than showed up!! Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld admitted on the Sunday talk shows that it was he, who picked the theme music for the attack on Iraq: “Oops! I Did It Again!” The US Marines have discovered in an obscure Baghdad warehouse 700 million dollars in US currency! Hey, President Bush! There’s your tax cut money! The Iraqi people have proven they do understand the VERY CORE of democracy, because those folks started bitching on DAY ONE! The Iraqi Voice Of Freedom radio station, operated by America, have promised not to play any Barbra Streisand music! Because haven’t these people suffered enough? President Bush does a carrier landing! Our president junior does a carrier landing! Wow! It was the Vice-President’s idea!! Next month Cheney’s got him driving a tank in Israel! The month after that he’s PLAYING a SARS Doctor over in Hong Kong! I, myself, as a journalist, was embedded with the Armed Forces! Yeah, I was embedded with the 3rd HOOKER Corps out of Hollywood! U.N. Weapons Inspector Hans Blix will get his own reality TV show entitled, “I CAN’T FIND My Butt From a Hole In The Ground”! The new terrorist threat: TOXIC YEAST Infection! So don’t sleep with any Arab guys! Listen up world! Americans have unprotected sex! Americans don’t use seat belts! We smoke! We drink! We drink and drive! And we invented the Stealth Fighter and the Atomic bomb! Hey World! Do you REALLY wanna mess with ALL OF US???
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In other international developments, even Jerry Lewis is still pissed off at the FRENCH!! This just in from Jerusalem.. Rabbi’s in the Holy City have decided the holiday of Chanukah to January 3rd... because, face it, the Chosen People shouldn’t have to pay retail! In sports news: If you attend an LPGA event and observe a mighty tee shot, then yell out, “You da man!”, odds are 50/50, you’d be sexually accurate! She was FIVE OVER, folks! Boxer/Schizoid Mike Tyson’s next fight will be sponsored by Lithium, Valium and Prozac! Have you seen the tattoo Tyson got on his face? Look closely, it’s a WARNING label! Some celebrity sightings: A rhetorical question: What are the chances that Roseanne will lose weight and join a convent? SLIM AND NUN! In Rocky 6,1 can’t believe they’re making Rocky 6, in Rocky 6, Sylvester Stallone’ll fight osteoporosis! From Modesto California alleged wife-murdering suspect, Scott Peterson, is, and this is an editorial statement, Scott Peterson is so guilty, he was running around San Diego dressed up as OJ Simpson! Next season, Martha Stewart will show us all the CORRECT WAY to make a Prison Bitch! Some sexual information: You can now get insurance for sexual performance! So, you’re in good hands with Allstate! The recent movie, Life Without Dick, now will be shown on the Christian Broadcast Network! Re-entitled A Nun’s Story! Now in Bonn Germany, they have drive-through brothels! “You want crabs with that?” Last week in New Orleans, an eleven year old little Dutch boy was injured when he accidentally stuck his finger in Melissa Etheridge! Now you look at Melissa Etheridge and tell me you’re not thinking what I’m thinking.......... BOXERS ........ OR ... BRIEFS?????? Poor Lue Says: Behind every great woman, there stands a totally bewildered man, wondering when he’s gonna get his dinner!
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